updates and my chance to see Eddie

I know I have been absent for a long while my life has been torn upside-down. In the last 2+ months I have filed for divorce, moved out, graduated, took 2 certification tests and taken some much needed time for myself as well as started working at the clinic I did my internship at. These are all good things.

Rob and I are going to be fine… as friends. We talk everyday and txt often. I think he is ready for all of my stuff to be gone from the house but that will happen soon enough. We had a hearing on August 6^th to get the divorce stuff figured out. The Judge signed off and we will be getting the paper work sometime here.

I graduated on June 25^th. On the 26^th I went on the annual vacation with friends and family to the north shore. I have mentioned it here before. We went up on Friday and came home on Tuesday. It was amazing. I got to chill with as my mom puts it “My family of choice”. The Cross-etts (all 8 of them), the Tennessen clan, Roger Doger and last but not least… Lois J. We played Todd ball and sat around the fire. I had the best and most well needed sleep.

We got back on Tuesday and on that Wednesday I checked in to the hotel where Convergence was going to be held. I spent the next 5 days/nights at the hotel getting my geek on. I realized just how much I missed my geeks. I hung out with the gang but also got to hang with my mom my real brother and my little brothers (My mom’s best friends kids) Pack and Andrew. It was great! I can’t wait for next year.

A few week later I went to Nebraska to visit my Grands. It was good to see them I haven’t been down to see them in a while. Mom and I managed to not argue/try to kill each other.. always a bonus.

Last week I spent time in Lansing MI with one of my oldest and closest friends, Eddie. Eddie moved away between 7^th and 8^th grade, after that we wrote each other letters (yes in the days before email). I would write him 10-15 pages at a time. There were times when I would start writing him letters but I never would get around to sending them and those letters turned into my love for free writing and how I have managed to keep journals. Every “journal” entry is started with “Hey You” and always written as if I was writing to Eddie to tell him all the ups and downs of my life and help talk myself through whatever it is that I am dealing with. Eddie and I lost touch but reconnected again and I went to visit him in 2001, it was the first time I had seen him since he moved away in Jr. High. It was a great time and then it was another 8+ years before once of us got it together to visit the other. It’s easy to see that my life has been a rollercoaster this year and I really needed time to spend with one of my best friends. It was great! I got to meet his friends and it was really great to get some faces to match the names.

Our friendship is a very unique one. Our entire relationship is based on communication. Through letters and phone calls. We have always been 100% honest with each other because we don’t know any of the other people, just names. The only concern we have is for each other. There also is no judgment. The good the bad and the ugly, it doesn’t matter. Ours is an unconditional love and I am not talking romantically. I have someone who I can talk freely with without fear of judgment... who knows every ugly secret and it doesn't change how he interacts with me... someone who will not tell me what I want to hear but the truth no matter how much it hurts... That is what is rare and the true meaning of unconditional love. I have been lucky to find that and be able to hold on to it for 20 years.

Finding that oasis in Lansing last week, was an amazing thing. I was able to step back from the worries and stresses that are a part of everyday. The stress of starting a new life and trying to keep my sanity. I didn’t know coming home would hit me as hard as it did. It is tempting to just run away, but that is not the answer to anything.

Oh and by the way I PASSED MY NATIONAL CERT TEST!!! I AM A CVT!

LTReCap part 2 – Jake

Jake the Snake. He was a jerk and I was a stupid teenager. I was 19 and he was 25 (but looked 35+) and we were in a “Grey Area” what I think the kiddies call Friends with Benefits only it was he could sleep with other people and I was to beholden to our “Grey Area”. Yeah… that sucked. I have 2 funny stories from that Grey Area.

The first he and I had decided to go to the Perkins over by my parents. This was also the hang out for the kids from my high school to go to have sporting events. Well we get seated and there is a 10+ kids that I know all eating and hanging out. I went over to say hi, but Jake being a jerk didn’t want to so I went over alone. The next day I get a phone call from my friend Bulander asking me what the hell I was doing with that “Old Guy”. I was narcked by someone at the table. I had it narrowed down to Noah or Matt.

The other funny. I was at the hospital with appendicitis and I had been given good drugs and before I was going to be wheeled down the hall for surgery I kissed my mom and Jake. As I was being wheeled and getting quite loopy the orderly says “it’s nice that both your parents could be here” and in my loopy state I replied “that’s not my dad you dork that is my boyfriend” and that is the last thing I remember before waking up after the surgery.

Long Term Re-cap part 1 cont.

I was looking around my emails and I was wrong. Chris did try to contact me again in 2004
3/31/2004 Chris wrote:
Heather,
Thought I would e-mail you on a lark and see how you are doing. I suppose if you don't want to chat, then I won't hear much from you. I'm still in Japan, though not for much longer. Life is progressing well, though I am ready for a change of scenery. I am definitely looking forward to my new duty station. Hope all is well. If you have a mind to do so, please give my regards to your family. Thanks. Chris

My response:
In my honest opinion, I was hoping you would get shot down in Iraq. That way you would REALLY never pop back up again. For the FINAL TIME (again) I want nothing to do with you. My family wants nothing to do with you


Because I haven't heard from him in the last 4 years (almost to the day) I am thinking it worked. :)

Long Term Re-cap part 1

Rob and I are coming up on our second wedding anniversary and in September we will have been together for 4 years. This is best and healthiest relationship I have ever been in. That got me thinking about my past long term relationships and thought it would be fun to hash over.

Here is part one

My first LTR was in high school, his name was Chris he was a year ahead of me and went to a different HS. We were together for 2 years. The last 4 months of our relationship he was away at school. He came home for winter break, we hung out every day did all the things teenagers do when they haven't seen each other in a long time. He went back to school and in the first week of January he calls me up to tell me he thinks we should break up and soon after that I found out he was hooking up with some chick. It was horrible... for me... and for the people who had to be around me (sorry Kate). He even sent Christmas cards to my out of state grandparents that year. He never really gave me a concrete reason why he broke things off that is until 2000. He had tried to contact me before that but I just didn’t have it in me to deal with it. At that point I felt it had been long enough we had both grown up and had been in the real world long enough that maybe we could be friends. We started talking while he was stationed in California somewhere. Things were going fine. I had forgiven him for breaking up with me and then hooking up with Rain. He started asking me about my relationship and giving me unwanted advice (I was with Dan at the time but I will get to him later). Then for whatever reason I will NEVER understand he informed that the reason he broke up with me in HS was for MY OWN GOOD. He felt that I was "too attached", that I "relied" on him for emotional needs Hello??? I loved the guy... in theory he loved me too... we were in a RELATIONSHIP!!!! Yes I know... it was HS but still. He then followed that lovely statement with he had his friend Dylan (who I really was never a fan of) “check up” on me, like drive by my parents house for him. I was being stalked by proxy. I flew off the handle... I had come to terms with the fact that he was just a horny guy states away from his girlfriend why did he have to purge his soul of that? I told him to go to hell and never try to be a part of my life. Chris tried to contact me again year or two after that, he called me from Japan but the answering machine picked up, he was talking so low that it cut him off. I never did find out what he called me about. He is a few years overdue for the “pop in” maybe he got the message that he isn’t meant to be in my life, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did try again.

the Story of CoWorker part 3

Alrighty. Here is the long winded story. I am going to do this in two parts. Coworker part 3 and then the lead into the day in which all hell broke loose and I put in my notice.

Since our last installment of the never ending coworker saga there have been several developments. The bank took his house. That by itself was a blessing as the phone calls from his mortgage company stopped. But then the new phone calls started. “um… yeah I am calling about the AC unit I saw on craigslist.com….” so being the smart gal that I am I went to craigslist and did a search for the phone number for our department and what do I find??? A total of seven listings, AC units, his $800 recliner (you know the ones with the built in fridge, phone, and message) with an asking price of $75, stove, refrigerator, washer, dryer and one for $10 for a whole list of kitchen items. He was selling everything in his house. I even found one with a story about 7-10 pairs of brand new jeans that his dead brother bought before he lost his battle with cancer and that his dead brother would want them to “go to a good home where they can get some use and they are only $5”. When I asked Manager he said that coworkers family lives out of state and that in the 7 years coworker has worked here he has never asked for funeral leave. So either the jeans are over 7 years old or he made up the story. I am guessing he made it up. Also while reading his posts I noticed he put a time to call using our number listed 2 hours in to my shift. I informed Manager and he in turn told jackass not to have people call after he leaves. Did that stop them? No. I just told anyone who called that whatever they were calling about was sold. The funny thing is in cleaning out of his house coworker offered me his roommates old fish tank. I don’t know if it was his to give but I wasn’t about to say no to a free fish tank. I will put up pictures of the tank as Rob built a beautiful stand for it. After the sale he moved out of his house and has moved in with 3 guys who had an ad also on craigslist. They have no idea what they are in for. I would say that now that he doesn’t have a mortgage paying rent should be easy… but he wasn’t paying his mortgage and was still borrowing money from his friends. A week after he moved into his new place I walked into he was all upset. I asked what was up. That was when he told me Ann had just dumped him without warning. Now I kinda knew about Ann. She would call all the time and she was always very nice. She was also the one who would drive him around and I later found out it was her cell he would use to call in sick. My guess is she just got tired of his shit. Not 3 days after he got dumped I got a call from our former receptionist because she had gotten a call from the chick he screwed over before she moved away. Apparently, coworker called The Girl and said that Ann and he had broken up and that all he really wanted was to be with The Girl and he wanted her to please move back to MN. She told him “no thank you, I have a man”, you go girl!!!! So now that he wasn’t staying with Ann all the time he FINALLY got a cell phone. He was still as angry as ever but at least he has a phone.

GRUDGE

Part of Speech: noun
Definition: bitterness
Synonyms: animosity, animus, antipathy, aversion, bad blood, dislike, enmity, grievance, hard feelings, hate, hatred, ill will, injury, injustice, malevolence, malice, maliciousness, malignancy, peeve, pet peeve, pique, rancor, resentment, spite, spitefulness, spleen, venom

Grudges, I am full of them, and I hold them for a long time. In the last year my mother has been trying to convince me that I should forgive a childhood friend (she wasn’t really my friend but a daughter of my parents friends who was also my age), this girl was mean and a bully. She liked making the other girls at my birthday parties cry and when I was 5 or 6 I was at her house and she locked me in her parents room and wouldn’t let me leave, I was in hysterics. When my parents decided I was old enough to choose my own friends I no longer had anything to do with her. I hate her to this day and I still want nothing to do with her. I don’t care that she has signed up to save the world through the Peace Corp or whatever. There is nothing she can do that will make me forget/forgive what she did to me when I had no say in whether I wanted to be around her. Yes it seems petty that 25-27 years later I am so adamant about my feelings, but when I hear my parents talk about how wonderful she is I can’t help but feel like that little girl screaming and pounding on that bedroom door begging to be let out and just go home. I see no reason to change my opinions about people who royally fucked me over. The guy who molested me when I was 13 could find the cure for cancer, AIDS and world hunger, I still want him dead. All those kids who treated me like shit at my parents church and the assholes from high school, I don’t want to hear about them. I just don’t care. For some reason my folks have a hard time understanding that I don’t want an update on the people who treated me like crap or thought they were better than me. I have spent my time clearing my life of people like that for a reason.

But then there is Kate. That was a whole other issue. I managed to get over that because I had to ask myself, what had Kate really done to me that earned my being so angry. The simple fact was, she had done nothing. We spent four very intense and emotional (it was high school) years together. There wasn’t a day that we didn’t see each other or at least spend an hour on the phone. Then we graduated and went on to separate schools and paths in life. We tried for awhile to make each other fit, but life being what it is it just wasn’t working and that hurt. A lot. It always hurts when someone important to you moves on without you. The anger (at least for me) came from not understanding why something that was important in my life was no longer as important in hers, and the other way around as well. From there the we just got stubborn. As adults (and yes Kate we qualify as adults) we were finally able to accept that we now can fit. Will we end up like Mom & Molly?? Who knows, but we will always have a connection.

The moral of the story?? I guess it’s just don’t screw me over. And if you do, I am not going to care what you are doing 5, 10, 15 or 25 years later.

Monday...

My First day of school.......

On Sunday (well actually all week) I was stressing out. I was still trying to figure out if I had it in me to really take on full time classes and work.. I couldn’t find my class schedule (see previous post for the the irony), I had typed it into my online calendar but I didn’t put what the room number was. So as far as I knew I had biology at 8:25 on Monday and Wednesday. All I could tell myself to try and ease the freak-out was that at 1pm after school I was meeting Bret for lunch and beers. I tried to go to bed at like 8:30 because I had to get up at 6am for the first time in ages, so I wanted to get a full night sleep. I took my sleeping pills at 8:45, I should have been dead to the world by 9:30 at the latest. I think I finally passed out at 12:30 and it was CRAP sleep.

I got my stuff together, had my coffee , got dressed and at 730 I was out the door. I get to school and stop in the office to get them to print me a schedule so I would know where to go. He hands it to me and I realize that they don’t put your schedule together in the order of the days they fall on, but in alphabetical. So Monday’s class was in fact Medical terminology and it starts at 8:55 and I had ALL THE WORNG BOOKS. AS usual when things like that happen… I called my mom and at that point she tells me that she read on Heidi’s blog that Kate is engaged. WOOHWOOO! That made me feel a little better about my class debacle. So I went into the right classroom and sat down. Then I started talking to this girl who had sat down next to me, you know just chit-chat. Well the teacher made us go around the room and introduce ourselves, and the girl next to me says “Hi, my name is Katherine”. I almost fell out of my chair. You see 16 years ago in September on my first day of high school, in my first class, scared out of my wits, in gym class,
sitting against the wall in the wrestling room I started talking to the girl who was sitting next to me, and that was Kate. She turned out to be my best friend all through HS, so it was trippy that this girl was also a Katherine. I managed to make it through class because she let me share her book. Freaky! I feel a lot better about this whole idea of school. I think I can handle it.

After class I had to make a run over to my mom’s house and in doing so I have to drive past Kate’s house and I said to myself if her dog is in the yard I am going to make a quick stop to see the ring. She was home and I got the story about the ring and I told her about the chick in class. Great times, and we shall be doing beer soon. I love that girl!

dreams....

Before I tell you about my week I have to tell you about 2 recurring dreams I have had at least once a week since I graduated HS.

1) It’s the first day of school my Sr. year and I walk in and I have no class schedule and I have no idea where I am supposed to be and to top that I have no locker. I spend the entire dream freaking out about my classes.

2) It’s somewhere in the middle of a trimester and at first I am trying to plan what classes I can skip by how many absences I have in each class, but I can’t even remember the last time I went to 2nd hour so I should probably go to that class but I haven’t turned in any of the home work so I wouldn’t know was going on and what about the other classes. And so the cycle begins…

Now I know these are silly dreams but I always manage to wake of from them just as stressed as I was in the dreams. I have my fingers crossed that now that I am back in school I can at least have different school related stress dreams.

Happy Friday!!

I had a doctors appointment on Monday, nothing big just routine maintenance. Before my appointment I went to lunch with my buddy Drew. I miss Drew. Drew and I worked together when I was in high school. Drew went to the same high school but graduated before I got there. After HS I would run into Drew at least once a year we would hug share a “how ya been?” and that was the end of that. After I moved home my mom invited me to join her at a wedding of a good friend of my brother, and low and behold Drew was there. We talked and reconnected. My favorite band was going to be at the xcel center and I asked Drew if he wanted to go with me and we decided that it would be cool. At this point even though I had moved back to Minnesota from Bismarck I had gotten back together with CGXBF. When I told CGXBF that I was going to the concert with Drew, CGXBF said “good that means I don’t have to go”. He was in Bismarck there was no way he could go, but he didn’t (and never did) care that I was going out with another guy. At the concert it was almost like I just blinked and decided I was done with CGXBF. I was having a great time with a guy I have known for years at a concert of a band I adore. We were just being goofy waiting in line for Guster to sign some of my stuff and I looked at Drew and realized I hadn't been that happy or relaxed in ages. It felt a lot like when I would hang out with The Guys. I wasn't worrying about saying too much, acting too silly or making anybody mad. It was amazing, I guess I didn't notice how much of my personality I had been keeping in for the 3 years I was with CGXBF. The worst part of that weekend lasted 10 minutes and that is when I called CGXBF and told him I wasn't happy and that I was done. I was giddy and grinning, I called Bill and I just felt like a million bucks. I felt truly free. I took a step back and saw that wasn't as good as it was going to get for me. After that Drew and I would have lunch together once a week. When both worked in Eden Prairie and I miss him. Of all the people in my life I think Drew knows me better than anyone. Even better then Rob only because he has seen me go from crazy high school cheerleader to depressed and lonely to self confident and in love. Everyone should have a friends like that.

Oh and on a side note….
Today I am in theory having drinks with Bill. Now the last two times we were to go out he had other things he needed to do. Work and family… that selfish bastard! Kidding! I love the guy.

The Guys

The Guys are… Bill and Pete. I met The Guys when I was dating CGXBF. Pete was CGXBF’s roommate and Bill worked with Pete. Naturally they would hang out at CGXBF’s house so we would all end up hanging out together. I am a tomboy to the core so this thrilled me to no end. I have an unconfirmed feeling that after awhile it wasn’t that they invited CGXBF and put up with me but that they invited CGXBF so that they could hang out with me. I say that it’s unconfirmed, but when all was said and done, I got The Guys in the “divorce”. I also know that at least Bill and his wife wanted to beat the snot outta me for sticking with CGXBF for as long as I did. And that is why I love them.

Ok.. here is one my favorite The Guys stories.

It was a Friday night and I was supposed to hang out with CGXBF and The Guys but CGXBF was working late so I called him to see if he knew when he was going to be done. You see I knew that The Guys were going to be putting up a direct tv dish on the roof of CGXBF’s house, so I asked if I should just head over there and hang until he got home. He told me absolutely not, I was not to go to the house and I should forget about coming over he didn’t know when he was going to be home. Yeah… that pissed me off. So I decided screw that I would head over there anyway. ( I know it sounds like I was in the wrong by going over there anyway, but this wasn’t the first time he had told me I couldn’t hang out with the guys when he wasn’t there, that the guys didn’t want me there. I knew otherwise. I think he couldn’t deal with the idea that they might be MY friends and not just HIS friends that "put up with me for him" ) When I pulled up to the house The Guys were on the roof bolting down the dish. They greeted me and I took my position as BEER WENCH, I mean how can you expect people to install shit on the roof and not have beer. Over the next 3 hours we set up the dish and hung out on the roof drinking beer. I found out some truths that night, you see CGXBF had been telling me all these things that Pete didn’t like about me and Pete had no what I was talking about. Once it got dark someone had the nice idea to put this bright ass light on the roof with us, and it was shining in to the neighbors house. I was sure they were going to complain, but they didn’t. Twice while the 3 of us were sitting up there drinking our beer the cops rolled by, very….very… slowly. They didn’t stop but each time they did we rolled our beer off the back side of the roof. Rumble rumble rumble….crash and then we cracked up. I was having an awesome time. The best part of hanging with The Guys that night was I could totally let loose, they didn’t care and there was none of the pressure you can get when you’re the only girl. Then… CGXBF came home… he saw me on the roof and got PISSED, I failed to tell him I was going to his house anyway. He ended up sending me home soon after Bill left, but not before he told me that The Guys were mad I had been there all night. A fact I knew wasn’t true. Bill and I laugh about it to this day.

I miss The Guys

The Story Of Coworker - Part 2

Things went back to the way they were before he left. Still doing a half assed job, but he was feeling better and seemed less angry at me and the world. That lasted for almost 3 months, now at this point I had been there almost a year. My schedule during that time was wed-sun and it sucked. I was told when I started that wouldn’t be a permanent and I started to pitch a bitch. I was being reasonable, I wanted Sunday and Monday off. That would give Coworker Friday and Saturday off. Manager basically he didn’t have a choice he was going to start working Sundays and that marked the return of pissy, whinny, angry Coworker. At that point he was still having Wednesday Night Poker at his house with 3 or 4 friends but that started to dwindle, more then once I heard him on the phone telling one friend or another that he would get them their 30 bucks. Now I doubt this was poker money, I think he just started borrowing money and not paying it back and they all just moved on with out him because it wasn’t long after that he stopped talking about the poker games. He was also becoming very short tempered so I figured away to claim one of the unused cubes in the main area as my one so I wouldn’t have to be in the same room when our shifts over lapped. One day in mid August he informed us he was going have a roommate. We don’t know if this roommate was a friend or some poor sap that answered an ad on Craigslist. They were going to fix up his basement and all these grand plans… once again… whatever I stopped listening. In October, and I don’t know how it came up, but I mentioned that The Boss sometimes lets workers take advances on their paychecks. Not 2 days later he was in The Boss’ office. Our receptionist at the time HATED coworker and LOVED to gossip, she was a wealth of information and there are days I miss her. She told me that Coworker asked for a $500 advance, well over the next 5 weeks he had advanced over $1500. He also told us he got rid of his land line and was going to get a cell phone but for the time being he was without a phone. By mid December he had cashed out his 401k (without taking taxes out) and was at least $700 in the hole to our company. Then the collection calls started, at work because he still had no phone of his own. He did manage however to call in sick more then once, but we had no way of getting a hold of him. Up to 5 times a day including weekends we were getting calls on our common line. Three people use this phone and there is no way we can just stop answering. When they would call and Coworker answered you could hear him say “Coworker isn’t in today.” It got to the point where Manager had to ask The Boss to talk to the lawyers about getting it to stop. It slowed down but now it’s just his mortgage people. In February of this year The Boss received papers to start garnishing Coworker’s pay. In the last 5 months, his hot water heater died, the kitchen pipes burst , his car has had 3 flat tires, a new alternator, been in 2 car accidents, had 3 traffic tickets, the taxes became due on the 401k and he still doesn’t have a phone. At some point you would think I would start feel pity for this slime bucket but the fact is he has done this to himself, and considering how he treats other people I am not shocked he has no friends left. I just don’t understand how after all this he feels it’s ok to act the way he does, and the kicker is he is 34 year old. There will be continued chapters on Coworker in the future I don’t see him changing any time soon.

The Story Of Coworker - Part 1

When I first started he seemed nice enough. We got along. Later I found out the first question he asked Manager after my interview was “is she single?”, now I could be flattered by that, but he is slimy. He enjoys telling me how cute he thinks the interns are and I always do my best to keep them out of our area so they don’t have to suffer from the rancid slime. I found out from other staff that before I got here there was a girl that worked here and was full on in love with Coworker. The Girl even let him move in with her when he needed a place and he used her, BIG TIME, once he decided she wasn’t good enough for him he started bringing girls to HER house. Now I feel for this girl, because I was that girl for YEARS. The “someday he’ll wise up and realize how much he REALLY needs me.” reasoning behind staying in something so dysfunctional. The Girl finally wised up and quit working here and moved out of state to go back to school. . In my first months The Girl would call once or twice a week to talk to him, I felt so bad I just wanted to tell her he wasn’t there and so not worth her time. The Girl finally stopped calling and last I heard she was dating a really cool guy.Now when The Girl left, Coworker needed a place to live, so to prove to The Girl as well as the people at work that he didn’t NEED her, he bought a house. This house is seventy-some years old and has all the issues a house that old and he could “afford” on what we make comes with. That is a whole lot of issues. But when I started he would regale me with stories about how great it is to be a home owner and that he had all these plans for his great old house, fine… whatever… I stopped listening. He has also had 2 back surgeries during his time at this workplace. One before I got here and one after. Leading up to the one while I was working here he kept getting bitchier and bitchier. He would come into work and tell me how much I sucked at my job, those were his words “you fucking suck at this job”. At that point I had reorganized the way our department ran, I was in charge of inventory (because it hurt his back to move tapes), I did all of the filing and I knew more about our database software then he did and I had only been there 3 months to his 6 years. He would verbally attack me at every turn when there was no one in the room to hear it. Twice while Manager was on vacation Coworker had screwed things up for me to the point where I had to fight to keep from just walking off the job and when I told Manager boss about the situations I had been put in and it was “let’s wait until Manager gets back,” That has NEVER helped me. Then Coworker had surgery and was out of the office for 2 months. The department had never run smoother, we had other departments comment on how well I was getting things done. Then he came back...