I am responsible for myself.

I am not responsible for anyone else. I speak for no one but myself.

With that in mind…

I have decided that I will not take my failing in another person’s eyes as a personal failure. I didn’t asked to be held up against some conjured measurement or moral compass. I am a person in consistent evolution. More so in the last year than ever in my life. I have made mistakes and I take responsibility for that. I will not keep rehashing something I cannot change, nor will I be made to feel guilty. I will not allow that to keep me from becoming the person I know I want to be. I do not look back at the last 12 months and dwell on the things that I have lost. I look forward to my future and am thankful for what is around me now.

I am loyal to the core, I always have been but I think I need to protect myself more. I am making the choice to keep the friendships in my life that are truly two-way streets. I am tired of feeling like I put in all the effort. It is not worth the stress that comes with it.

Devoted

Devoted Part of Speech: adjective Definition: committed, loyal



For well over 10 years now I have collected these guys in my life who are my best friends. They are brutally honest and always there to pick me up when I fall flat. I have never dated any of them; the universe has never lined up as to have that be an option so it has rarely been an issue. I have routinely said when explaining them to people that I am “in love” with all of these guys. I have been thinking about that statement lately and decided that wasn’t true. I do deeply love all of them but what I am is devoted. I would give them anything they asked for and there isn’t anything wouldn’t do for them. I treasure these friendships above all others. It is funny to me sometimes because I know that if any one of them were to all of a sudden say hey lets start dating I wouldn’t even blink. I mean who doesn’t want to be with someone who knows you that well. I just don’t see that ever happening. When I do start dating someone I tell them early on that I have these guys in my life and if you aren’t comfortable with that then we can’t be together. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than not have them in my life. No one person could ever fill what they are to me. It isn’t easy to become a part of that inner circle in my life, it takes an extreme amount of trust on my part to let that happen. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without these friendship. The circle may get bigger but it will not ever be smaller. It’s comforting and it always makes me smile. We should all be this lucky.

updates and my chance to see Eddie

I know I have been absent for a long while my life has been torn upside-down. In the last 2+ months I have filed for divorce, moved out, graduated, took 2 certification tests and taken some much needed time for myself as well as started working at the clinic I did my internship at. These are all good things.

Rob and I are going to be fine… as friends. We talk everyday and txt often. I think he is ready for all of my stuff to be gone from the house but that will happen soon enough. We had a hearing on August 6^th to get the divorce stuff figured out. The Judge signed off and we will be getting the paper work sometime here.

I graduated on June 25^th. On the 26^th I went on the annual vacation with friends and family to the north shore. I have mentioned it here before. We went up on Friday and came home on Tuesday. It was amazing. I got to chill with as my mom puts it “My family of choice”. The Cross-etts (all 8 of them), the Tennessen clan, Roger Doger and last but not least… Lois J. We played Todd ball and sat around the fire. I had the best and most well needed sleep.

We got back on Tuesday and on that Wednesday I checked in to the hotel where Convergence was going to be held. I spent the next 5 days/nights at the hotel getting my geek on. I realized just how much I missed my geeks. I hung out with the gang but also got to hang with my mom my real brother and my little brothers (My mom’s best friends kids) Pack and Andrew. It was great! I can’t wait for next year.

A few week later I went to Nebraska to visit my Grands. It was good to see them I haven’t been down to see them in a while. Mom and I managed to not argue/try to kill each other.. always a bonus.

Last week I spent time in Lansing MI with one of my oldest and closest friends, Eddie. Eddie moved away between 7^th and 8^th grade, after that we wrote each other letters (yes in the days before email). I would write him 10-15 pages at a time. There were times when I would start writing him letters but I never would get around to sending them and those letters turned into my love for free writing and how I have managed to keep journals. Every “journal” entry is started with “Hey You” and always written as if I was writing to Eddie to tell him all the ups and downs of my life and help talk myself through whatever it is that I am dealing with. Eddie and I lost touch but reconnected again and I went to visit him in 2001, it was the first time I had seen him since he moved away in Jr. High. It was a great time and then it was another 8+ years before once of us got it together to visit the other. It’s easy to see that my life has been a rollercoaster this year and I really needed time to spend with one of my best friends. It was great! I got to meet his friends and it was really great to get some faces to match the names.

Our friendship is a very unique one. Our entire relationship is based on communication. Through letters and phone calls. We have always been 100% honest with each other because we don’t know any of the other people, just names. The only concern we have is for each other. There also is no judgment. The good the bad and the ugly, it doesn’t matter. Ours is an unconditional love and I am not talking romantically. I have someone who I can talk freely with without fear of judgment... who knows every ugly secret and it doesn't change how he interacts with me... someone who will not tell me what I want to hear but the truth no matter how much it hurts... That is what is rare and the true meaning of unconditional love. I have been lucky to find that and be able to hold on to it for 20 years.

Finding that oasis in Lansing last week, was an amazing thing. I was able to step back from the worries and stresses that are a part of everyday. The stress of starting a new life and trying to keep my sanity. I didn’t know coming home would hit me as hard as it did. It is tempting to just run away, but that is not the answer to anything.

Oh and by the way I PASSED MY NATIONAL CERT TEST!!! I AM A CVT!

I am back… and damn I have missed me

Back at the start of the quarter I switched one of my meds and that was the biggest mistakes I could have made. This was the quarter I was taking Surgery and Anesthesia, where we assist with REAL animal surgeries. I also started working at school as an Animal care supervisor, not a good time to be messing with the status quo. The new meds seriously messed with my head. I was edgy and had a very short fuse. I didn’t like the way it made me feel and I was basically withdrawing from everything and when I wasn’t at school I was sleeping. I would make myself stay awake till Rob got home at 630 and would be in bed and asleep by 8 and would sleep straight through to my alarm. On weekends I would go to bed at 7 and sleep till 10am and take naps in the afternoon. I didn’t want to hang out with anyone and the biggest clue things were getting bad was the fact that I wasn’t excited at all for Halloween. If you know me you know I LIVE for carving pumpkins. That is when I couldn’t take it anymore and went back to the doctor and switched back. It was awful. Once I started to feel better I realized how much I was enjoying my classes and LOVE my job.
Over the last few weeks I have been going out, hanging with friends and just having a good time. I have seen Drew more in the last two weeks then I had in the last 3 months. It was when I was with Drew at DWI that I was once again being myself and happy, and it felt good to be me. I even got Rob to go out this weekend it was great. Kate I cursed you last week, I REALLY wanted to go out and get beer and I was striking out with all my boys and Rob was giving me the stink eye about all my options being boys and I was like “damn you Kate why did you have to go and move on me!!!” but that is ok he got over it. Being me is good. I am looking forward to having 2 weeks off from school (even though I will be working at school) and the start of the new quarter.