Rough Weeks

You want to know a secret? I have had a very rough few weeks.

I rolled my car… with me in it. Upside down, hanging from my seatbelt. I made it out fine, the car was totaled. I was pretty shaken up but I did my best to laugh it off because I was ok. I am over it, I have my new pretty car we are just waiting for the insurance money to come in.

Once I got over that I got walloped again, this time through facebook. Only it started almost 20 years ago, one of my brother’s friends when I was 13 took advantage of me. I don’t know if it really classifies as molestation but what he did fucked me up. That was/is a deep part of my self-esteem issues you may have noticed that I have, and a deep part of the issues I have had with guys most of my life. I thought I had a handle on things until I saw Him 2 years ago at the renaissance fest and threw up on Rob and ran as fast as I could away before he saw me. It took me a while before I stopped having flash backs. Then last Monday I came home from school logged on to facebook and found a friendship request from Him. I denied the request and had a small email back and forth. He doesn’t remember it that way and is sorry for “hurting” me and promised to not talk to me if he ever see me (Luckily for me the few places where he might try to talk to me I have friends who have no qualms resorting to violence). Needless to say I have been an emotional mess. It kills me that 20 years later this shit gets in my head. I was sitting at school on Wednesday thinking how the fuck did it get this far and trying my damnedest not to cry. I mean my self esteem in was in NEGITIVE numbers. On Wednesday night I re-learned how great my friends are. I have a really great group of people (other than rob) who know the good, bad and ugly about me and love me anyway. I hung out with Dan, I talked with Bill and Drew on the phone, and I reached out to my buddy Eddie through txt and email. I still cried on my way home but it would have been a lot worse if it wasn’t for them. After that I was on the upswing.

I am very thankful for the people in my world and that is why they are there. I have tried to make it a life’s rule not to let the toxic people of my past ruin my present or future.